Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
