Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
I did not marry a roomba.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
