Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
