but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Randomize
