Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
I just gift wrapped bread.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize
