I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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