I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
