I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
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