god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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