Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
