then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
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