is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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