Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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