Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
and she was petting her beer can
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
