you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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