Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
