Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
