Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
