I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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