Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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