How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
