I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
