Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
Randomize
