Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
