I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
