the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
