I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize