So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Randomize
