shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
