I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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