dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Randomize
