The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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