I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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