I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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