Her vagina should come with caution tape.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
