Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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