You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Randomize
