I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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