I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Randomize
