Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
