Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
