can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
