You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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