Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
