So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Randomize
