My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
