can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Randomize
