Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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