I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
