i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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