I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
